Monday

So diet is off for now, or untill i get home, since i'm just to tired to do it in my current hectic situation. Miss my baby and hope he joines me here soon, he's suposed to come June 20:th.
I'm currently out of money and don't even have time to go shopping so i guess that's good. (Being to busy to shop, not the absence of money part, thet's never good.)
Bought a stuffed animal to keep me company yesturday, saw it at Ralph's and just coulden't NOT buy it, he now sleeps loyally on my pillow. Gonna try to go down to Santa Monica beach next weekend to get a tan. Am in general swamped with school untill the 20:th, so i'm kinda tired and don't always have time to uppdate the blog. Life is proceding as always and i'm stressed out about school...as always. I hope some things never change, but on the other hand other things have to change. (I'm working on that.)

Still a few things i wanna buy and a few pounds i wanna loose. Although yesturday i got into a pair of capri jeans that where a size to small for me a month ago so i guess that's somthing to be perky about.

I am also feeling frustrated becouse i have no idea what's gonna happen to my life, i'm at a transitional phase and it scares the shit out of me. I guess it's normal but i am just so confused. On one hand i love it here L.A. is my kind of place and i'd love to one day plan a party at the Playboy mansion, but right now all i seem to wanna do is go home to Roy and my family. (And friends of cource.) I just wanna hide in our room and chill all day like we did before i left, but i know we can't do that since we're grownups now and have to take responsibility. I know i have to start living and get a job, an education and a career, and i want to, i long for all that. But i'm also scared to fail, and have always been. I'm scared of changing and not being the same person anymore or not wanting the same things. But on the other hand i wanna change, for the better, evolve and dare to take chanses.

I'm not sure what i'm gonna do when i get home, on one hand i wanna be with my family and friends and just chill, while i still can, but on the other i'm not sure i wanna see anyone, i'm afraid, dunno of what exactly. I'm somehow ashamed i will have changed. All i wanna do is study to secure my college education and work my ass of in school. I know i have to make sacrifices to get where i want and i'm ready to make them. Right now it just feels like i'm waiting for my life to start, even here in the heart of L.A. it doesen't feel like i'm living it up as i shuld, i'm just drifting, waiting for somthing to happen. I can't bring myself to have fun in the proces. But the "proces" is another 5 years atleast, so i have to try otherwise i'm going to miss out on things. I mean i'm gonna have to work all my life to get the things i want, am i never gonna have fun? I'm not really sure what i'm whaiting for...but i wanna start living. I wanna be preppy and happy like i used to be, and yes i like the "Girls of the Playboy mansion" series, and i'm blonde and have big boobs, (Real ones.) and some days i wear all black, but that's not all of me, there are other sides, i just get frustrated that i have to be judged by what i appear like and there is nothing i can do about that. I'm confused and afraid that feeling will never pass...