Sunday

Empty days, sleepless nights...I long again for school, for which I have to wait another month. I contemplate the life I want, somewhere else. I long to go to Boston, ad to stay there. I can't help wanting, isn't that what drives us all? The hair is dark again and so is the mood. I feel myself falling back into apathy and somehow I’m glad for this state, as it’s easier to cope with. A stillness of sorts, instead of the lump in my stomach there is emptiness. I have come to prefer the apathy to the pain, cowardly, but reasonable since I remember the pain.

Sunday

Last day before a new week of work. Ten days left until New Moon premiers. And i am still trying to figure out where to squeeze in my weekend in London with Jen. I feel like i'm in a rut again and in desperate need of inspiration of any kind. Job-wise i'm looking at internships and/or jobs in London. The eventmarket there is much more widespread and sated there. I am longing to get away as my anual enviromental frustration is setting in, i really need to find a country i can stand being in for more than six months at a time.
Have been shopping a bit and bought a gorgeous grey office dress al-a Veronica in "Better off Ted" and a custom made dress that Rosalie wears in the birthday scene in New Moon that i might wear to the premiere. Oh, and some warm sweater-dresses since i live in Sweden!
PS. I have yet to take pictures of the Marie Antoinette dress.

Thursday

Alone in the office again, this week is really chaotic and my boss is out of town, out of the country actually. I feel a little restless. Waiting to hear from some companies and i don't have much to do since we haven't had a single meeting yet. I have done some independent research and such but i feel like i might need a bit more guidance before i proceed. Today will be a relativeley calm and hopefully short day. Not much more to write right now. I do need to photograph the dress me an my friend Jenny made, i'm just so lazy when it comes to uploading pictures.

I have organised for a small group to go to the premiere of New Moon, and there will also be a viewing of Twilight right before New Moon is shown. We're making it into a thing, and i will be wearing my Rosalie Guess jacket, jeans, heels and making my hair. I'm a Twilighter and proud of it!

PS, I am now a blonde again so that also fitts the Rosalie outfit. =P

Tuesday

Sitting at work trying to form a working marketing strategy. Pretty wierd feeling considering i've never actually made one and here i am suddenly getting free rains to make a marketing strategy for a company where i've been working for two days. Exiting but scary as hell at the same time. It's a kind of sink or swim situation. I am also forming an event in the industrial space that the company owns downstairs. The space is usually used for the practice and performance of stunts. Oh, ye it's a stuntcompany that i now have an internship at. Kinda cool i think!

Friday

Ok, so it's been a while. I have been waiting for things to start moving so that i can start writing about them but since they insist on moving at an incredibly slow speed i desided to just move them myself. I have recieved an internship spot at a small event management company and they have told me i can start in a month. I am using that time to interview with another company where, after completing a few month internship, i can potentially get a job.

In the meantime i have ransacked Style.com for all the latest Fashion Week shows and found some much needed wearable inspiration. Also my birthday is coming up next week and i, being the compulsive planer, have been writing my lists for the small get-together that i'm having. (I have an overwhelming need to control everything which i guess isn't completely wrong since i want to work in management.)

The pictures are outtakes from Donna Karan, D&G, Prada and Ralph Lauren

Thursday

I've been very bad. There is soo much going on i just haven't had time. I am nearing the end of my Marie Antoinette dress-project. I will have pictures as soon as i take them. Have been looking for an internship and i feel that i will soon get one. Have been working on some smaller projects and throwing myself into books. Have even been writing one. It's another outlet for my writing, and the reason for my neglect of the blog.

Friday

Ok, long time, no writing. Been soo busy writing applications and equally redundant things that i just had nothing to write besides "writing applications". Boring but true. Anyway, going away to the countryside with friends today to have a 3 day party, now many people seam to have trouble grasping the consept of me in the country, can't imagine where they might have gotten that idea. Hehe...

Have had sort of a difficult time lateley, a lot has happend and yet nothing seams to move, but some of it is slowly but sureley untangling itself, but i still feel like i'm sittingin a big ball of yarn trying to sort it all out. I feel like i need a change, which i really know won't help anything, since i've become the master of changing my environment, i do tend to run away, but all i seam to want right now is to go to Boston with fiance and go back to being a natural blonde. Don't know if those two things are necessarily connected.

Thursday

Been a bit lazy, and havn't had anything to write i guess. There has been some trouble with documents, but they tend to always lose my documents so nothing new there. Have been doing a lot of gardening lateley and i kinda like it and now i have a Bonsai plant to take care of and i kinda knew they where difficult to care for but what i didn't know is that they have the hassle equivalent of newborn babies. Who knew. So now i have a ridiculous excuse to go home cuz i have to water my Bonsai tree. Still occupuing my time with selling things, everytime i think i've sold all my remaining property somthing new comes up that i realise i never use, but downsizing is good i guess.

Saturday

Sunny Saturday, i'm sitting home chilling and re-watching The OC for what must be the millionth time. It's nostalgia i guess, makes me miss LA a lot. It's finaly geting warm here and i'm pulling out my skirts and sandals. Not much to do since most of my friends are eighter working or out of town, so here i am alone with Boyfriend watching old episodes of The OC. Making lists of things to do, companies to research, things to buy for my wardrobe and people to meet.

Wednesday

Yesturday was my friend's birthday and since we all love the French golden age we decided to have a picnic at Drottnignholm which is a palace that is built in the image of Versailles. I also recieved a present from my mother's friend that i accidentally told her i liked. It was a light blue tea cup that definitely looks like somthing Antoinette would have and when i got home my corset arrived, i tried it on and it is exactly what i need to wear under my future 18th century dress.

Tuesday

7.00 AM, oh yeah i didn't know there was one eighter. What an umpleasant discovery. Going to my last "young person pathetically trying to find work in this economy" meeting and have decided to eighter go all out ith this job thing or go back to Uni in the fall and get some sort of a bachelor dergree, don't know in what yet. In general life is slow and boring right now, as it always is in the summer and even watching all the happy new high school graduated going out into the world with a baggage of false hopes and expectations doesn't seam to cheer me up at the moment. I'm gonna go and try to forget that there is such a thing as 7.00 AM now.

Sunday

Lazy summer days, and not in a good way. Everything is just mooving soo slowly and i am yet again waiting for somthing, right now it's to hear back from the internship. I feel like i have nothing to do right now and everyone else are soo busy and i hate not doing anything, and i hate waiting for things even more. My closet raid continues and i keep finding more things to sell, soon i'll be sitting in my empty closet with my one Birkin bag and my one pair of jeans and not even have to wonder what to wear today, and the thought doesn't even scare me at all, which in itself scares me. But i do buy things too so i don't think my closet will ever be completly empty, but one can try. Making plans to finally make a 18th century dress so i'll be buying about 10 meters of Taffeta soon. I'll try to post pictures if i ever get around to making it.

Wednesday

All i have for the moment is my ranting about how i hate the Australian post and Swedish post office. For the moment my daily activities are selling stuff, buying other stuff and ocasionally meeting friends. Oh and the endless search for weightloss. Waiting for summer to start in the sunforsaken land of Sweden. Not much else to complain about, waiting for an answer about the internship of my dreams, which im hoping i'll get for August.

Sunday

Ok, i'm back. Jobsearch is going ok, slow but ok. Have been on a quest to find the Guess blazer that Rosalie wears in Twilight and i finally found it and bought it so yay! Also found the most gorgeous version of the Cullen crest that Rose wears. It has the inscription from the fourth book "Plus que ma propre vie" (No i'm not obsessed i just really like Rosalie) Anyway guess i'm kinda obsessed but i just love her style, i seam to be in a suit kinda phase. Also completly love Veronica from Beter off Ted, she has great powersuits and i kinda wanna be exactly like her when i grow up; heartless and stylish.

Saturday

Been back home for about two weeks now. Just now starting to feel normal again, like this is home. Looking for internships in events for the moment, and trying to organise my life, mentally and physically. Not much is new, just drifting along which feels nice right now. Uni starts in Aughust.

Sunday

5 am in OZ-land, and i still can't sleep. I'm longing to go home. Only one week left from today and I'll be home at last. My final report is almost finished and school is out after Monday, and i have nothing to do but pack my already packed-a-month-ago-suitcase. What else am I to do for the rest of the week. I have even written a list of things I'm gonna do when i get home. These include loads of huging, pizza, sushi and sleeping.

Wednesday

One month left in this God-forsaken burning land, and it's getting hotter again. Five months without sleep, without dreamless nights, without my consort, and now i finally begin to sleep thru the night. I long for different dreams, like the dream of my wolf, the one i now can't stop thinking about. I want him back in my dreams, he was all i had to comfort me but i can't make myself dream of him again.

I try to occupy my time with things like school and last minute tripps, have yet to see a cangaroo, and photograph it so that people can stop nagging me about it.

I dream of cold and green, endless forests and seas, i will see them soon. Not much matters for the moment, i have packed my bags for home already, just waiting now...

Sunday..Night

I can't sleep, when i don't read i think but i can't read forever, allthough i've tried. Sleep starts to claim me. But it's a treacherous feeling, i can't sleep, instead dangerous thoughts start to consume my mind. I think of how i miss it all, i think of what i feel and i remember me, or what i used to think was me.

I used to be a happy person, the pink in my closet, the songs on my ipod, the movies i prefered. I was always easy to amuse and i put myself in a good mood when i willed it. I remember the way i was and wonder how it changed. It seams impossible to me that a person can change so completley, but then again i always knew i had a darkness inside of me, the kind of thing one never gets rid of, only manages to mask. I guess i was rather good at masking, for so many years, i tried to mask the dark parts. It made me happier in everyday life, the way everyone masks the bits and pieces they don't want others to see.

And now i feel exhausted to pretend, it feels like my whole existance have become a pretence, and i don't know the meaning anymore. It's not hard to pretend when in a casual conversation, i guess it's a habit now, my weakness being that i tell the ones who ask...i wish they would stop asking though...

The thaughts exhaust me, i don't want them, but i can't really change my core, so i go on, finding distraction anywhere i can. I feel i burden people, but nothing works and keeping my feelings from the one person i love more than anything else is prooving rather impossible. It hurts to think, i caught mysenf crubling under the physical pain again the other day, thinking of Him, pathetic, i must be going crazy.

This blog is really starting to resemble a journal, i honestly hope no one reads it as it is a waste of time, even writing this, but since i cannot sleep...i write, i think. I yearn for sleep, with no actual hope of geting it, not really, not until i'm home. Not until He holds me.

I look in the mirror and all i see is hate again, more hate, different hate. It grows, developes, with me i guess. And so i ramble in my constant sleepy state...

Sunday

It's been a month..and yet nothing has changed. everything seams fleeding here, and yet i want it all to dissapear. i sleepwalk thru my days here, doing thing because i need to do them, school..sleep..homework..food, these things seam to have lost their purpose. so i start to experiment. do i really need food? try removing it. do i really need sleep? no, not reallt, haven't had a dreamless night since i came here, almost four months ago, i seam to sleep all the time, in class, when i get home, at night, even when i'm not sleeping and yet i wake up more tired than when i fell asleep. i'm in a constant state of wanting, but never getting rest. the dreams are never good, always nightmares in one way or another, i'm not even sure what they are about, i'm not sure why im writing at the moment. not much to write about besides my boring lonely days..and nights.

i dream of green and cold. everything was burning here and then it stopped. i wished for rain so long it came..and hasen't stopped yet. i don't presume i caused it but sometimes it feels like it's bending to my mood, my will, my state of mind. it's been raining for two weeks in the Australian summer now and no signs that it will stop, it's nice, clean and at least one can breathe.

I long for home and trees and forests, sometimes i wish i lived in Washington, for obvious reasons, it looks so peaceful, i've made my peace with the rain, i actually prefer it to the blazing sun. i dream of peace of mind, don't know if it's ever coming..

Thursday

Todays weather prognose said it was going to be 36 degrees and sunny...yeah, not in Sydney where the climate has schisofrenia. It was a sauna in the morning and then it started raining, and not you'r average rain; hard big round dropps. Then there was thunder...and now when i was walking home from Darling Harbour, at 22.oo there was rain, thunder and lightening, just as i was listening to Supermassive Black Hole by Muse. (The song played during the thunderstorm in Twilight when the Cullens play baseball) The feeling i got was amasing, it all just fit together perfectly! I love the thunder, it calms me down and exites me at the same time.

Sunday

School starts tomorrow, im not sure how i feel about that, i'm bored so it is a good thing i guess. Was at the Sydney festival yesturday with Olga and her friends. It was fun, we whent shopping before that and i visited my now favorite Japanese bookstore Kinokuniya and bought the Twilight movie companion and a psycho-filosofical profile of Gregory House as a character. I have already bought the first Twilight book there a few days ago and have read about half of it now, and none of the bookstores has the second one! How will i exist?

All in all it was a very pleasent day.

Thursday

First blog of the year. Not much is new, i don't much get the hype over the changing of a year. What is everybody so happy about? Another wasted year? I think we are all just trying to cover up the fact that one of us did what wanted or should have done during the past year so we project it on the next.

I never really feel like going out in a huge crowd and celebrating, it's not fun and it just takes a huge amount of effort and still never turnes out the way you want, so why bother when i'd rather be at home with the one i love. Although this year it took him 10 hours to catch up. Welcome to my wear!