Sunday..Night

I can't sleep, when i don't read i think but i can't read forever, allthough i've tried. Sleep starts to claim me. But it's a treacherous feeling, i can't sleep, instead dangerous thoughts start to consume my mind. I think of how i miss it all, i think of what i feel and i remember me, or what i used to think was me.

I used to be a happy person, the pink in my closet, the songs on my ipod, the movies i prefered. I was always easy to amuse and i put myself in a good mood when i willed it. I remember the way i was and wonder how it changed. It seams impossible to me that a person can change so completley, but then again i always knew i had a darkness inside of me, the kind of thing one never gets rid of, only manages to mask. I guess i was rather good at masking, for so many years, i tried to mask the dark parts. It made me happier in everyday life, the way everyone masks the bits and pieces they don't want others to see.

And now i feel exhausted to pretend, it feels like my whole existance have become a pretence, and i don't know the meaning anymore. It's not hard to pretend when in a casual conversation, i guess it's a habit now, my weakness being that i tell the ones who ask...i wish they would stop asking though...

The thaughts exhaust me, i don't want them, but i can't really change my core, so i go on, finding distraction anywhere i can. I feel i burden people, but nothing works and keeping my feelings from the one person i love more than anything else is prooving rather impossible. It hurts to think, i caught mysenf crubling under the physical pain again the other day, thinking of Him, pathetic, i must be going crazy.

This blog is really starting to resemble a journal, i honestly hope no one reads it as it is a waste of time, even writing this, but since i cannot sleep...i write, i think. I yearn for sleep, with no actual hope of geting it, not really, not until i'm home. Not until He holds me.

I look in the mirror and all i see is hate again, more hate, different hate. It grows, developes, with me i guess. And so i ramble in my constant sleepy state...